I wrote this article because some women, in the past, thankfully not often, have tried to pursue me for a relationship without my consent. Funny as that may sound, it isn’t – it’s sad. Whether is was their intention all along, or down the way, (to pursue me as their mate) they cunningly used casual conversation, bible study or other things to try and move a friendship into a romantic relationship.
It works like this: the friendship becomes a dating relationship in the woman eyes while the man still think it’s a friendship. Then these women get frustrated when their offers to build intimacy aren’t understood or rejected, or the direction they try to steer the ship doesn’t go their way.
Women shouldn’t pursue men, here’s why:
1. It’s kind of emasculating.
The man is suppose to find and lead the woman, not the woman; this isn’t her role. The Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing…”(Pro 18:22) Notice “he” who finds a wife. Not “she” who finds a husband. God has an order of doing things: Man is the head of woman, Jesus is the head of the man, and Jesus obeys his Father. For a woman to pursue a man, and attempt to start a relationship, is backwards and totally out of order – it’s as if the man is wearing the skirt.
2. The man has the plan.
God has given godly men a purpose and vision for their lives and has created women to assist them (Gen 2:18). God told Adam not to eat from the tree, and Adam told his wife. God didn’t tell Eve, God told Adam. As a man who knows my purpose and vision, it’s my job to find a woman that fits that plan.
3. He may not be attracted to you.
You may be pursuing a man that doesn’t even like the way you look. Not that you’re ugly, but your look may not be what he’s into. I’ve seen women strut around as if everyone loves big, black, round sisters – get over yourself – it’s great that you have self-esteem, but don’t become proud and assume the man you’re pursuing finds you attractive. Just because he says, “you look nice” doesn’t mean it either. There are many “nice looking” women that I’m not attracted to. This attraction also applies to personality, lifestyle, life goals and most importantly, character.
4. You could get taken advantage of.
Some men will welcome your advances, but have no real interest in you. They’ll take all the gifts and sex you’re willing to offer (in this relationship you think you’re in) and then just leave – or, you’ll catch him “cheating” with the girl he really likes. You put yourself out there and he took advantage – this is terribly wrong and sinful and any man who hasn’t confessed and repented for this will be judged. Certainly the true man of God wouldn’t do this to you – he’d just reject you.
5. But some women can’t handle rejection.
As a man, we get rejected until we find the woman that accepts our offer to start a relationship. We understand this is part of the process. When a woman’s advances are rejected, it’s very difficult and some take it personally; and even get vengeful – but they fail to understand: they had no business being in that position in the first place.
Ok, so why do women pursue men.
First off, I believe, women know it’s out of place. They have no business doing it. It’s not a cultural thing – it’s not a social thing – it’s just the way things work. The woman waits, the man pursues, she accepts, and he leads her. This is how it works.
But somewhere in between waiting on the guy they find attractive, or the guy they have the greatest conversation with, and now look at as “husband material” to make his move, they become impatient and take matters into their own hands.
Becoming desperate, loneliness and lust are others factors to consider, which lead to a woman’s pursuit. Lust is a branch of selfishness which leads to the woman being so focused on what she wants that she completely ignores the wants and desires of the man. She never asks:
- Does he like me “like that”?
- Does he want to take this friendship to another level?
- Am I right for him?
- What is his plan? Do I fit his plan?
- Does he even want to be in a relationship right now?
The lustful, self-centered, woman will never ask these questions. She just assumes everything works for him and she knows what’s best for him. This arrogant approach is disrespectful. How dare a woman decide to change a friendship into something else without his consent. How dare she think she knows what’s best for this man.
Because of this level of arrogance and lust, to be denied, sends these men-chasers into a frenzy. They take it personally and become vengeful. Men of course can take rejection hard, but women especially. After investing so much thought and time into “their man”, only to find that he doesn’t like them “that way”, is hard. So I’d suggest women realize what’s they’re feeling and ask the above questions before they lose control of their flesh and fall into lust which clouds judgment and set’s them up for failure.
It’s nothing wrong with asking a man, “what’s going on here” without saying, “I want a relationship.” It’s wise to find out where the guy is – if he likes you or not. This way, you can guard against rejection, or make a decision to ask some follow-up questions.
Pursuit comes from worldly time-limits too. The world tells women from day one, “you need to be married by a certain age.” Around thirty years of age is when women may become aggressive and begin pursuing men. They must meet this worldly deadline or their value, somehow, goes down. The world and its lies are so damaging and so untrue. These lies force women into ungodly unions, which, if they would’ve waited, God would’ve sent their Boaz.
Now, the story of Ruth and Boaz pretty much changes the game. Ruth asked Boaz to marry her and he accepted. But what if he awoke, found Ruth at his feet, and rejected her? That wouldn’t been awkward. It’s safe to say Naomi and Ruth had pretty good intel into the success of their plan. Plus, Ruth was also a really good woman and Boaz knew this – plus Boaz was really old and young Ruth could have chosen guys her own age, but she chose him instead. I don’t think any old-dude would’ve turned her down. I would agree if a really fine woman, whom I knew was godly and could possibly fit the vision God had for me asked me out, humbly, I would probably accept.
I don’t agree with the some of what Mark at Marshill Church preaches, but his answer on: “should a woman pursuit a woman” was on point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hluo9nyHBSs
So, what should a girl do, if she likes a guy?
- Ask him out and be clear it’s a date. Beware, you could get rejected.
- If you’re already friends, tell him how you feel and where you want to take the relationship.
- Ask about his motives and intentions with you.
- Smile, dress nice, look nice, smell nice.
- Invite him to a party with a group of your peers – not your family.
Things NOT to do if you like a guy.
- Assume he likes you “like that.”
- Keep calling him, demanding you go on a date.
- Invite him to a party, that no one shows, leaving just the two of you.
- Change a friendship into a relationship without consenting with him
- Lust after him – this clouds your judgment.
The biggest helpful thing to do with men/women relationships is to communicate upfront. Be upfront about motives and intentions. Know what you should be looking for and ask God for wisdom and the Holy Spirit’s leading.
